"A Teeny Bit"

I hurt my leg on January 28th. I've been inactive since then. Also last week I was diagnosed with anemia so severe the doctor said "You must normally be a VERY energetic person because I don't know how you're sitting here functioning and not just like zombie". I promise, I feel like a zombie. This morning I said to my Phadre' (technically she's my receptionist at work, she's also my dear friend and almost like a mom to me) that I didn't know what was harder... Feeling like shit or pretending that I don't. Functioning, working, mothering, everything... is so hard lately.

Summer is here and I'm scared to death of summer clothes. I haven't packed on pounds, really, I just feel squishy. My clothes still fit, just not as smoothly as I'd like. I wore the most adorable, perfect little tee shirt today. Under a button down. It's cut so great that even though it is borderline cap-sleeve (it's from Shade, so it's designed to be modest enough for Mormons, so it's as sleeveless as it can be without showing the sacred garments) I felt like my arms looked maybe okay in it. I didn't even notice how cute the cut was on my upper body until after work, because I hadn't looked in the mirror with it on by itself. It was SO cute. Too bad the girl inside it had SO much muffin top going on. Not even muffin top... Kaneisha (My belly flab) was all up in that shirt's business, stealing every bit of glory and taking all of the attention for herself.

I went to the gym for a few minutes tonight. Daniel was there and didn't know I was coming. I looked through the window into the workout room but I couldn't find him, and then I went to the basketball room and I didn't see him there either, so I decided to actually go inside the workout room... There he was! He was in his own little MP3 world and didn't notice me following him til I poked him in the back. I said "I couldn't find you because you don't have your beanie on!"

All of the sit-down-and-read-on-em bikes were being used by middle aged women, so he taught me how to ride the video game bikes. The video game is not in fact a game at all. You don't cause any sort of mayhem if you run into another rider... No blood, guts, or swearing. Lame. Also, you don't get hurt or die if you run off the course... It just sort of puts you back on. Also lame. I did a mile plus some, and then Daniel showed me how to use a bunch of the machines.

I was pretty proud of myself for going. I had a long day at work today and I have an even longer one tomorrow. I was thinking "Baby Steps". I was thinking a mile plus on the bike and then a little bit on each machine was pretty good for someone who hasn't exercised in months. Daniel even said I looked cute in my exercise outfit (in response to which, I pointed out my chunky hips and how the knit pants accentuated them).

When we got home I was borderline beaming, pleased with myself for exercising when all I wanted to do was lay down, and for overcoming the anxiety I felt upon entering that big room (I wanted to leave the second I walked in). I said to Daniel "I exercised." and he said "You DID Exercise... A teeny bit." He was teasing, and I know he's proud of me for going too, but I sort of took it to heart. At first, it stung... Then, I realized I can see it as a challenge. Next time I will do a teeny bit MORE, and then I will do a teeny bit more, and eventually I'll do lots... And then I'll wear the little orange shirt and Kaneisha won't even bother showing up (much).