The cleaning/purging/organizing bug has bitten. I'm pretty sure that the one day of spring-like weather is not at the root of it. There is a sense of newness and excitement in my soul still and I feel a very strong desire to make everything "Right" but not a lot of pressure, which is what in the past has seemed to make me feel like freezing up and not accomplishing anything. My bedroom closet is crap-free but still piled up with shoes which will likely never change. The kitchen pantry is cleaned out and organized. I have a lot of stuff and a lot of supplies, but they don't do any good if they aren't tidy and ready to be used when I need them.
I feel a lot more calm when things are in their proper places, but I have a habit of getting overwhelmed by my own imperfections and giving up. The clothes in my closet have been out of their proper order for months now... To the point of having tops on the bottom side and vise-versa. That's not going to get fixed today as there are other priorities like helping the living room to feel pretty and making the kitchen feel functional. As much as I like the idea of instant gratification, I know I can get everything under control if I focus on one thing at a time and keep everything manageable so that I don't feel like the world is exploding.
I had a near-meltdown on Saturday night after I started tackling things. I was frustrated with myself to the point of not wanting to do anything but crawl into my bed and sleep. Part of me didn't even want to see my guy that night, mostly because I didn't want him to see me in the state I was in, feeling the way I was feeling, and how cluttery and ridiculous I can be sometimes. He was supportive and encouraging just like he is about everything that frustrates me. He reminded me that I have a lot on my plate and that I do more than a lot of people. What he doesn't understand is the fact that HE is so inspiring sometimes leads me to want to do so much MORE and that's when I start to feel pressure to be perfect. The sure knowledge that he has tricked himself into thinking that I already AM perfect takes the pressure away and leaves only the desire to be the woman he knows I am. The fear of not being perfect is slowly giving way to appreciating all of the things I can and do accomplish. Also, knowing that I don't have to do everything alone anymore has a calming effect that cannot be described.
I'm not sure why I felt like should type all of this out for the world to read... I've thought about converting it to a private journal entry but I'm going to post it, mostly because I feel like possibly sharing my resolve to improve will make me unable to give up or shut down, and because at the end of last year I wrote about things I wanted to change and I think maybe progress reports will help me to stay on track.
Enough of this typing business though... There's a dishwasher to be emptied, a floor to be mopped, and COOKIE DOUGH to be mixed up!
I feel a lot more calm when things are in their proper places, but I have a habit of getting overwhelmed by my own imperfections and giving up. The clothes in my closet have been out of their proper order for months now... To the point of having tops on the bottom side and vise-versa. That's not going to get fixed today as there are other priorities like helping the living room to feel pretty and making the kitchen feel functional. As much as I like the idea of instant gratification, I know I can get everything under control if I focus on one thing at a time and keep everything manageable so that I don't feel like the world is exploding.
I had a near-meltdown on Saturday night after I started tackling things. I was frustrated with myself to the point of not wanting to do anything but crawl into my bed and sleep. Part of me didn't even want to see my guy that night, mostly because I didn't want him to see me in the state I was in, feeling the way I was feeling, and how cluttery and ridiculous I can be sometimes. He was supportive and encouraging just like he is about everything that frustrates me. He reminded me that I have a lot on my plate and that I do more than a lot of people. What he doesn't understand is the fact that HE is so inspiring sometimes leads me to want to do so much MORE and that's when I start to feel pressure to be perfect. The sure knowledge that he has tricked himself into thinking that I already AM perfect takes the pressure away and leaves only the desire to be the woman he knows I am. The fear of not being perfect is slowly giving way to appreciating all of the things I can and do accomplish. Also, knowing that I don't have to do everything alone anymore has a calming effect that cannot be described.
I'm not sure why I felt like should type all of this out for the world to read... I've thought about converting it to a private journal entry but I'm going to post it, mostly because I feel like possibly sharing my resolve to improve will make me unable to give up or shut down, and because at the end of last year I wrote about things I wanted to change and I think maybe progress reports will help me to stay on track.
Enough of this typing business though... There's a dishwasher to be emptied, a floor to be mopped, and COOKIE DOUGH to be mixed up!
1 comment:
Hey you still can't be cleaning. It is time to put on another post. By the way is this the roommate that I lived with? I remember there being a lot of something shoved under her bed and her just digging away to find something. He he he Good times....right?
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